May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
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wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.