“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
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I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Software Development ⛵️
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.