May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
You Might Also Like
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.