@agathagotstoned: May you always be the one looking confused standing in the back of a group selfie
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@amybethlee70: I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner's life. I'm still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
@RdrJay47: I'm sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can't afford to get sick right now.
@mrbenwexler: Q: Name your favorite foreign leader. GARY JOHNSON: Nice trick question, Chris- they all already HAVE names!
@DaveWeasel: If you don't like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person's problem.