May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
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a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.