We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
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Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Meanwhile in Canada…
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant