Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
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[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.