maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
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[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Guilty! 🤪
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.