Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
You Might Also Like
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
The Backseat Boys
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
This meal prepping shit easy
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.