Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
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“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*