I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
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Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.