Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
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i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.