@lazerdoov: Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it's soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
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@meganamram: I never give homeless people drugs because I know they're just going to trade them for food
@TheTweetOfGod: Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it's antidisestablishmentarianism.
@Jmboyd58: When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom...so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
@novixv: Judge: I sentence you to 10 years Defendant: Well I sentence YOU to 20 years Lawyer: That's not how that.. Judge: [being cuffed] DAMN YOU