@toastymoe: Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please . Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

@ericsshadow: ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess ME: i sell human organs on the black market JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

@dysondoc: Trump: "I'm going to make sure we let in less immigrants." Pence: "Fewer!" Trump: "Shhh, don't call me that yet."

@birbigs: Instead of presents, give your kids "presence." Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

@TylerLinkin: My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.