Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
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Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now