Nailed it…ποΈππ
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I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
(Item doesnβt scan)
Me: Does that mean itβs free?
Cashier: Youβre literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now heβs asleep at the bottom.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he wonβt be impressed when you tell him βI do this all the time.β
I know this now.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer thatβs not theirs. I canβt even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
so, what youβre saying is, if i donβt eat an apple a day, iβll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says βwhat about astronautsβ and I love her
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Oh you think Iβm funny? Name three of my jokes.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Γber.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled βyuckyβ by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!