Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
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A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.