Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
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My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
yea so i messed up lol
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity