Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
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I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Lol.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Good boy 😂😂