Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
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Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
me and my fake scenarios
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF