Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
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It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
My god she’s good.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no