Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
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“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Only Americans understand
No, I don’t think I will.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now