My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
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if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
accurate
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
when someone compliments me
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.