Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
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Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.