Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
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the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.