@beisswrandon: Maybe Jesus went black, and that's why he isn't coming back.
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@DaddyNick: Block the toddler from the kitchen while I sweep left, handoff the baby, pass you a bottle and take a shower. On 2. Go! Football parenting
@XplodingUnicorn: In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
@zachreinert03: People think having 5 sets of grandparents rules as kid on Xmas, and it does, but you pay for it on the back end having to go to 97 funerals
@AmberTozer: Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me Guy: Can't believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing