Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
You Might Also Like
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
LMAO
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*