My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
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Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Hey i am sexy to you now
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific