Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
You Might Also Like
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me