Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
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Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”