Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
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Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
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Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.