USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
You Might Also Like
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
they should invent a hydrating liquor
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue