One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume