My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
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[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Lol #dogsoftwitter
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.