Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
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Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Alexa; make it look like an accident
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.