Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
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I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I only treason on days ending in y
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?