I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
You Might Also Like
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Cake safety first. Always.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I feel seen.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
This will never not be funny to me.