*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
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Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.