@robdelaney: Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
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@notabeanie: DOC: good news is you'll make it ME: phew! DOC: ...into the the record book for stupidest way to die ME: *still vomiting marshmallows*
@duplicitron: Sometimes a family is walking towards you taking up the entire sidewalk and you have no choice but to just become part of that family.
@VodkaThursday: Kid wants to sit at table, isn't tall enough Me: WHERE ARE ALL THE PHONEBOOKS?! Him: U threw them out saying, who the hell uses phone books?