Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
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“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Merry Christmas
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.