Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
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“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
never forget
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door