Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
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FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
doing your own taxes
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.