McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
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Schrödinger’s cookie
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
we’re gonna need another temp
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
I thought this was funny lol
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?