[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
You Might Also Like
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Solving a traffic jam
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.