[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
You Might Also Like
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.