That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
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[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I WON A HAM TODAY
Poetry is my passion
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Lol.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.