Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
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An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
LOL!
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long