A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
You Might Also Like
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.