took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
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Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”