Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
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You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
That eye roll….
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I’d love this…lol
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!