Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
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*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**