ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
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Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here