I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
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Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Social Media and Real life
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
What the dentist sees
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.