Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
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I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
BRO LMFAO
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
5 ways to appear taller
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no